1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; H s vulnerable to bribery
3. (of place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.
(courtesy of dictionary.com)
Where do I begin with Vulnerability….I can tell you that this word is frightening to me. It heightens all of my senses. In other words MY definition of Vulnerable is: hurry and throw up all of your noxious walls and retreat!!! This lovely character defect of mine has been haunting me as long as I can remember. I have only recently been able to identify it. With that being said, I am still working to wrap my head around this and find situations in my past where I have let this reaction control my life. The goal moving forward to allow myself to feel vulnerable and not get defensive or retaliate. To be vulnerable is to say “I love you” first, or to have the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. Vulnerability, I’ve read, is the core of shame and guilt and our struggle for worthiness. So on the flip side of that, let’s say I allow myself to be vulnerable….this would mean that it’s possible to find joy and love and understanding and laughter. What’s standing out in my mind right now is “…with little risk, you get little reward”. I ask myself do I want to stay in my comfortable little bubble or can I conform to a place of putting myself out there and possibly getting rejected or hurt.
Back in the day….while in the grips of my different addictions, vulnerability wasn’t much of an issue. I could easily stay in my regular mood changing, mind altering state or better yet, fight or flight. Thank my higher power and my lucky stars, I don’t have to live like that anymore. Today I get to first, come to the realization that this is an issue for me, and second approach it head on and find ways to conquer this. I am going to make a conscious effort to let my walls down by putting myself in vulnerable positions and accept the outcome one way or another. Whether it ends in laughter or tears, I will own it. Through this I will experience growth and become an even stronger, happier girl.