In my ongoing discovery of self, I have recently come to a very important realization. I’m consistently busying my mind and soul with other peoples issues. The result of this is that I have forgotten about ME. An analogy was brought to my attention recently, it basically refers to the monkeys we carry on our backs. I have made it a habit of smashing my monkey with the monkeys of others. I’m really good at it. As long as I carry your monkey and try to save you, I am paying no mind to my monkey.
Moving forward my plan of action is to give people their monkeys back. In the week that I have been practicing this principle, I already feel better. I am not perfect at it, I know it will take more practice and I am okay with that. It’s all about progress and not perfection. Yeah buddy!
I have a gal in my life who is amazing. She was my official girlfriend and upon taking all of this into consideration, I decided that I needed to back off that relationship and take time for me. I am an addict. I have an addictive personality. I haven’t had to use mood changing or mind altering substances in quite a while. I’ve learned that using is only a symptom of my problem. With that being said, I have a tendency to use people as instead of using drugs or alcohol. So in this relationship, if I feel icky, I use her to make me feel better. Instead of sitting in my discomfort and getting through it the healthy way, I pick up the phone or go visit her and she takes away the icky. I’m not doing this anymore. I yearn to be comfortable in my skin and I want to make my recovery, my higher power and myself my priority. It’s important to me to enter this relationship as a full person as opposed to a broken girl that needs outward validation. I want to validate myself.
She is taking this news and decision the best she can and I commend her for that. I can only hope that she allows me this time to fill my holes. I plan to do this through, recovery, this blog, God, self love, the steps and time. Time to heal, time to transform and become the person I know I am capable of being.
Coming out in October and getting divorced is a big deal and I need to embrace it and feel my feelings surrounding this.
So here’s to ME!! My #1…..progress not perfection.
Until next time……KB