To love you, I need to first love me….

In my ongoing discovery of self, I have recently come to a very important realization. I’m consistently busying my mind and soul with other peoples issues. The result of this is that I have forgotten about ME. An analogy was brought to my attention recently, it basically refers to the monkeys we carry on our backs. I have made it a habit of smashing my monkey with the monkeys of others. I’m really good at it. As long as I carry your monkey and try to save you, I am paying no mind to my monkey.

Moving forward my plan of action is to give people their monkeys back. In the week that I have been practicing this principle, I already feel better. I am not perfect at it, I know it will take more practice and I am okay with that. It’s all about progress and not perfection. Yeah buddy!

I have a gal in my life who is amazing. She was my official girlfriend and upon taking all of this into consideration, I decided that I needed to back off that relationship and take time for me. I am an addict. I have an addictive personality. I haven’t had to use mood changing or mind altering substances in quite a while. I’ve learned that using is only a symptom of my problem. With that being said, I have a tendency to use people as instead of using drugs or alcohol. So in this relationship, if I feel icky, I use her to make me feel better. Instead of sitting in my discomfort and getting through it the healthy way, I pick up the phone or go visit her and she takes away the icky. I’m not doing this anymore. I yearn to be comfortable in my skin and I want to make my recovery, my higher power and myself my priority. It’s important to me to enter this relationship as a full person as opposed to a broken girl that needs outward validation. I want to validate myself.

She is taking this news and decision the best she can and I commend her for that. I can only hope that she allows me this time to fill my holes. I plan to do this through, recovery, this blog, God, self love, the steps and time. Time to heal, time to transform and become the person I know I am capable of being.

Coming out in October and getting divorced is a big deal and I need to embrace it and feel my feelings surrounding this.

So here’s to ME!! My #1…..progress not perfection.

Until next time……KB

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About kotokb

To sum it up somewhat quickly, I am passionate about my spiritual journey. I am floating through life with the intention of staying open, developing meaningful relationships and being true to me. I am a Mom of two beautiful children. These two are my world..."my littles". I identify as a Lesbian. I identify as a democrat. I identify as a recovering addict alcoholic. Most of all I identify as a Powerful, Radiant, Spiritual, Healing Woman of Light. This blog will serve as a journal of sorts....for strangers to read. I appreciate comments and feedback as I do my best to sparkle my way through this beautiful and sometimes twisted life. I'm new to the blog world so be patient as I discover my way and learn more about this and hopefully myself. Thank you.
This entry was posted in Lesbian, Love, Recovery and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to To love you, I need to first love me….

  1. Hey…you’re right! We do have a lot in common. I started my recovery on Sept 12th, 1987 and remained that way until Jan 26th of 2008. I went to AA and NA for a little over 20 years. (Also says a lil about my age) Shhh…Lol! Long story short…if possible. I relapsed over a relationship because I allowed them to become my higher power. So I highly commend you in your transformation into finding and loving yourself. It is incredibly difficult, but so rewarding! (I absolutely LOVE the monkey analogy! I laughed out loud) Have a great week!
    P.S. I’m a great listener 😉

    • kotokb says:

      Julie! I appreciate you letting me in just a bit. I would love bend your ear a little more. I am having trouble commenting and/or following your blog. I am pretty new to this whole blog thing so rest assured it may be a user issue….however, it doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea how to contact you, one way or another. Talk to me soon. KB

      • Its not user error…its because I have a hosted site. There should be a floating follow button bottom left corner. Its dark grey with an orange star. Also…if you can get to my Gravatar there is a few different ways to contact me. Facebook…email etc. Hit me up when you get a chance.

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