Growing up my big sister (by 20 months), AJ had all the confidence in the world. She didn’t seem to care or notice if she was the prettiest, skinniest, funniest or most adored person in the room. She expressed herself, she was her own person and she owned that. I looked up to her as I was a bit self conscious and worried of what others thought. She was my rock of sorts.
Fast forward to today. She is very sick and very frail. Alcoholism has wrecked her life, her body and her relationships. My love for her has not waivered, yet I am unable to express that to her regularly. I recently wrote her a 6 page letter in which I hand delivered. I refuse to have expectations with her as I have learned that the hard way. I have no clue if she read it, or understood it….I only know that it was therapeutic for me to get those feelings out and let her know that my love runs deep for her. Our sisterhood has been severely impacted and it crushes my soul a little more each day. I pray for her, I mourn for her, I miss her, I need her, I love her. She is my only full blooded sibling. The person I have known the longest. She is my best friend, no matter what. I hope one day she will find recovery and come back to me. I’ll wait patiently, suffer silently and focus on the good times. I love you Andrea. If nothing else, I’ll see you at our rainbow bridge.